A Toronto Aside
"...there's a conflict in every human heart between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes the Dark Side overcomes what Lincoln called 'the better angels of our nature.' Therein, man has got a breaking point. You and I have. Walter Kurtz has reached his. And very obviously, he has gone insane."
- General Corman, Apocalypse Now
Compromise is something critical to any healthy relationship. It is the ability to put aside one's own needs in the name of affection for one's partner, and for the greater good of the relationship. A couple with little in common but a dynamic ability to compromise stands a good chance of staying together. Likewise, a couple that shares many of the same needs and goals will find themselves less in need of compromise in order attain happiness together (my parents are much like this, at least outwardly. They've been together for 41 years). "Love" certainly helps with this.
From my experience, I believe the best relationship is one where compromise is about 50-50 between the two partners. Sometimes, one partner is better at it than the other, and that's ok; 55-45, or even more can work. It depends on the individuals.
Group endeavours are not like relationships. When a group of people is working toward a common goal, this goal has to supersede most personal concerns. For example: a touring band's goal is to make it to each city, play a successful show, get some rest, and move on to the next one. This should be everyone's top priority (and I have no reason to suspect otherwise in the current situation).
Tours are not like relationships. Compromises are many; they are nowhere near 50-50. I think they're closer to 95-5, but anyone who goes on tour is surely expecting this.
To get from one place to another, all parties have to be in the vehicle - there's no other place they can be. Once the group arrives in a strange city and the venue is located, the party has to be careful about what they do next. It's human nature to want to go off and explore, and people in any group are going to have divergent interests. But what are the chances of getting lost in this new place? If even one member of the team does, it's game over, and the entire purpose of the tour is lost. In my experience, people tend to play it safe and not stray too far, even if their outside interests have a strong pull. It's a compromise we choose to make.
There's no debate that the show itself should unite a band. If it doesn't, the event is a failure. But let's say the show kicked ass... then what?
Now it's time to sleep... or maybe party? Most times people seem to choose to sleep, and those who do not are respectful of this. More often than not, kindly billets will house a band for the night. But what if there aren't any? Touring (DIY) bands are typically on a shoestring budget. No one wants to be broke when they arrive home and the rent is due. This calls for the ultimate in cheap accomodations - the parked vehicle. But wait... last night's payout wasn't bad. Maybe we could spring for a cheap motel? Either way, someone is compromising. That motel could be money in your pocket for later. But no one likes sleeping in a small vehicle, do they? With a poor payout, it may be the only option for some of the group. And even if you've saved a lot in advance for the trip, it could be divisive to break away and fend for oneself. That could potentially hurt the performance by creating interpersonal tensions.
Touring bands have to eat, and the more convenient the food, the more you pay. This can really fuck you over in the long run, when you nickel-and-dime yourself to death with convenience food. The solution is to cook your own food whenever possible, and do it as a group. This is cheaper, but requires consensus on what, when and where to eat. Achieving this is not as easy as it sounds. Whether you cook or buy, someone is compromising.
What all of this adds up to is a lot of compromise. Whether we're talking about traveling, eating, sleeping, exploring on foot or what have you, every decision on the road affects more than just the person making it. The more people you bring in, the more pronounced the effect.
My past experiences with relationships have taught me that I am not an uncompromising person. But as my last one proved, when personal differences raise the balance way past 50-50, it will wear you down - and I'm sure she'd say the same. It wore both of us out trying to be ourselves and still be partners, and that's because our personalities were not an optimal match to begin with.
There were signs of it before, but today (in full sobriety) I confirmed that a few hours of uncompromising me-time were now mandatory. I based this conclusion on the impossibility of having the time/equipment to communicate with people outside the group, and the fact that just before coming here I sat in a room by myself for half an hour staring at the wall, and actually enjoyed it - a lot. I needed to get in a place where no one needs me to go to the car, hang up the phone, get off the computer, go eat, go sleep, go anywhere or do anything. No offence to y'all. I bet everyone else is thinking the same thing.
Thus, here I am in a little public internet facility in North York. I'm not a loner, and I can play nice with the other kids... but not all day, every day, for weeks.
Our Toronto show got cancelled, and attempts are being made to rustle up a new one. Then it's Ottawa, Montreal, Fredericton, and home again.
- General Corman, Apocalypse Now
Compromise is something critical to any healthy relationship. It is the ability to put aside one's own needs in the name of affection for one's partner, and for the greater good of the relationship. A couple with little in common but a dynamic ability to compromise stands a good chance of staying together. Likewise, a couple that shares many of the same needs and goals will find themselves less in need of compromise in order attain happiness together (my parents are much like this, at least outwardly. They've been together for 41 years). "Love" certainly helps with this.
From my experience, I believe the best relationship is one where compromise is about 50-50 between the two partners. Sometimes, one partner is better at it than the other, and that's ok; 55-45, or even more can work. It depends on the individuals.
Group endeavours are not like relationships. When a group of people is working toward a common goal, this goal has to supersede most personal concerns. For example: a touring band's goal is to make it to each city, play a successful show, get some rest, and move on to the next one. This should be everyone's top priority (and I have no reason to suspect otherwise in the current situation).
Tours are not like relationships. Compromises are many; they are nowhere near 50-50. I think they're closer to 95-5, but anyone who goes on tour is surely expecting this.
To get from one place to another, all parties have to be in the vehicle - there's no other place they can be. Once the group arrives in a strange city and the venue is located, the party has to be careful about what they do next. It's human nature to want to go off and explore, and people in any group are going to have divergent interests. But what are the chances of getting lost in this new place? If even one member of the team does, it's game over, and the entire purpose of the tour is lost. In my experience, people tend to play it safe and not stray too far, even if their outside interests have a strong pull. It's a compromise we choose to make.
There's no debate that the show itself should unite a band. If it doesn't, the event is a failure. But let's say the show kicked ass... then what?
Now it's time to sleep... or maybe party? Most times people seem to choose to sleep, and those who do not are respectful of this. More often than not, kindly billets will house a band for the night. But what if there aren't any? Touring (DIY) bands are typically on a shoestring budget. No one wants to be broke when they arrive home and the rent is due. This calls for the ultimate in cheap accomodations - the parked vehicle. But wait... last night's payout wasn't bad. Maybe we could spring for a cheap motel? Either way, someone is compromising. That motel could be money in your pocket for later. But no one likes sleeping in a small vehicle, do they? With a poor payout, it may be the only option for some of the group. And even if you've saved a lot in advance for the trip, it could be divisive to break away and fend for oneself. That could potentially hurt the performance by creating interpersonal tensions.
Touring bands have to eat, and the more convenient the food, the more you pay. This can really fuck you over in the long run, when you nickel-and-dime yourself to death with convenience food. The solution is to cook your own food whenever possible, and do it as a group. This is cheaper, but requires consensus on what, when and where to eat. Achieving this is not as easy as it sounds. Whether you cook or buy, someone is compromising.
What all of this adds up to is a lot of compromise. Whether we're talking about traveling, eating, sleeping, exploring on foot or what have you, every decision on the road affects more than just the person making it. The more people you bring in, the more pronounced the effect.
My past experiences with relationships have taught me that I am not an uncompromising person. But as my last one proved, when personal differences raise the balance way past 50-50, it will wear you down - and I'm sure she'd say the same. It wore both of us out trying to be ourselves and still be partners, and that's because our personalities were not an optimal match to begin with.
There were signs of it before, but today (in full sobriety) I confirmed that a few hours of uncompromising me-time were now mandatory. I based this conclusion on the impossibility of having the time/equipment to communicate with people outside the group, and the fact that just before coming here I sat in a room by myself for half an hour staring at the wall, and actually enjoyed it - a lot. I needed to get in a place where no one needs me to go to the car, hang up the phone, get off the computer, go eat, go sleep, go anywhere or do anything. No offence to y'all. I bet everyone else is thinking the same thing.
Thus, here I am in a little public internet facility in North York. I'm not a loner, and I can play nice with the other kids... but not all day, every day, for weeks.
Our Toronto show got cancelled, and attempts are being made to rustle up a new one. Then it's Ottawa, Montreal, Fredericton, and home again.
posted by the baron ash von foolishness at 2:44 PM
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