The Dentist

"I got some tartar control toothpaste. I've still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets out of line I'm like 'Come on man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazyass tartar!'

I've got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit. That's actually kinda gross. After that joke I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know much tartar I actually have. I believe it's an average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now my name would be right in the fuckin' middle."

- Mitch Hedberg

I went to the dentist's for a checkup tonight, my first in five years. I could have sworn I had at least two cavities on one side, based on some unpleasant sensations I've had lately when eating. After a quick x-ray, the tartar removal commenced. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was not pleasant. I always thought my dental hygiene was pretty good. I brush a lot, and pretty hard. I guess that's part of the problem... no cavities, but I've brushed my gums away. You can't win.

I joked with the hygenist on the way out that surely she must have seen worse teeth than mine over the years. Had she ever seen something so fucked up she had to fight back her utter disgust? Apparently one time a person came in with so much tartar you could not see their teeth at all. When she started to chip it away, a noxious odour was released. It was so bad she had to leave the room and put mint extract inside her mask in order to breathe (she showed me the bottle). Ouch.

So remember kids, always brush and floss!